I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
