OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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