i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
