Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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