nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
