I faked an abortion last night.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
