Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
