girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
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