so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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