what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
