I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
