i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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