please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
