I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
