i need an iv and a liver transplant
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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