mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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