If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
there is glitter all over my balls
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
