Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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