so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
