the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
