after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
