Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
