so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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