Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
