I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
