He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
