hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
