I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
