I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
