there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Can Purell be used as lube?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
