Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
