Nicole vs. Life
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
