So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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