I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
