girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
