I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
