I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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