my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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