Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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