the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
