I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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