Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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