how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
