is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
