I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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