my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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