So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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