I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
there is glitter all over my balls
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
