I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
