would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
